When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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