I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
