It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
