Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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