Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
