i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
