I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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