My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
