Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
