dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
love makes seman taste better
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
