Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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