I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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