You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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