She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
