Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
