I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
