I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
