are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
