I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
