Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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