Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
