Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
