I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
