i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
