"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
