Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
