I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
