I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
