We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
