Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My vagina just clenched in fear
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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