So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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