I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
