I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize