Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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