nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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