Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
