Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
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Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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