I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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