nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
