girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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