I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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