i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The adults are the big ones right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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