mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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