The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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