He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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