There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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