I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
