The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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