I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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