you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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