dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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