everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
