he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
