Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
