Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
